Power to Prevent

I’ve got more information from the mouth of Pam Church. I think it was intended for Good-Touch/Bad-Touch facilitators, but it works well for anyone. She says it well, so I won’t reinvent the wheel, but I’ll add my comments in bold.

Responding to a Child who Discloses Sexual Abuse

• Remain calm. An overreaction will make the child more frightened and ashamed. Adults can feel a wide range of emotion when sexual abuse is disclosed to them–anger, horror, sadness, incredulity, etc. And while it’s fine to feel these, losing control of our emotions can rattle a child. The best way to respond is with calm concern. The line we were told to use was, “I’m sorry that happened to you.”
• Believe the child. Even if you aren’t sure if the child is telling the truth, believe them anyway. Even asking, “Are you sure that’s what happened?” conveys some doubt, so be careful.
• Listen in a non-judgmental way. Just listen. 
• Use the child’s language. Don’t put words into the child’s mouth. If they haven’t mentioned a specific, don’t ask about it. The golden question to ask is, “And then what happened?” If they tell you something and you aren’t sure what they mean, say, “Tell me some more about that.”
• Tell the child that you are glad that he/she told. Thank them for being so brave and acknowledge that it must have been hard to tell.
• Reassure the child that he/she did nothing wrong.
• Let the child know that abuse is an unfair thing that happens to children, without condemning the offender. Many children love or depend on the perpetrator for emotional and/or physical needs. When we attack the perpetrator, we might force the child to defend him/her or recant his/her story. This one is important. Once again, the best response is, “I’m so sorry this happened to you.”
• Determine the immediate need for safety. If a child is being abused by someone who lives in the same house, the living arrangements may need to be adjusted immediately.
• Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t say things like, “That person is going to go to jail forever.” Or, “I’ll make sure something like this never happens to you ever again.” You can’t keep those promises.
• Let the child know what you will do. Be upfront. Tell them who you’re going to tell about this. 
• Set in motion the process of getting help for the child through your state’s child protection agency. It’s against the law for an adult to know about the sexual abuse of a minor and not report it. If you fail to report the abuse of a child, you can face charges yourself. Even if it’s something that happens between two neighbor kids and the victim’s family doesn’t want to press charges, your state’s child protection agency needs to know about it anyway. This gives both parties access to help. Even if you only suspect the abuse of a child, call anyway. If there isn’t enough information to more forward with an investigation, they’ll still file it away, and if a bunch of reports roll in about one child or one potential perpetrator, together they may provide enough evidence to investigate.
• Take care of yourself. If a child you love has been sexually abused, chances are it’s taken a toll on you too. If you find you’re having issues with paranoia or depression, seek help.

Next week I’ll give some ideas about how to make a talk about sexual abuse with your kids less awkward.

Here is a list written by Pam Church (creator of Good-Touch/Bad-Touch) of common indicators of sexual abuse. Keep in mind some of these indicators (especially in behavior) can be symptoms of other stressors completely unrelated to sexual abuse. Another important thing to remember is that these indicators are worrisome when it’s a drastic change from what is normal for the child.

For instance, if a child has always had an issue with bed-wetting that’s probably not an indicator of a problem. However, if the child has never had an issue with bed-wetting then suddenly started wetting the bed, that is concerning. This change may not necessarily mean the child is being sexually abused–but it does mean there is something significant causing stress for the child.

If your child or a child you know has some of these symptoms it means there’s a problem. We’ll go more into what to do when you suspect a child is being abused next time.

My comments are in bold.

Behavioral Indicators:

• acts out sexual behavior; has obsessive or compulsive sexual behaviors to the exclusion of other play and interests
• has bizarre, sophisticated, or unusual sexual behavior, knowledge, or language
• plays coercive sexual games in which one or more child is pushed or bribed into joining in
• urges other children or adults to touch his/her genitals, or wants to touch theirs
• engages in sexual activity with children who are not friends or who are of much different ages
• is unable to curb sexual behaviors in public or when reprimanded by adults
• has an abrupt change in personality or behavior
• keeps asking questions about sex, even after receiving answers (beyond casual curiosity)
• has nightmares, sleep disruptions, sleeping with clothes on (sleeping with clothes on can be an indicator that sexual abuse is happening in the home)
• is withdrawn, depressed, attempts suicide
• self-mutilates
• has regressive behavior such as thumbsucking (things that may have been common when they were really young, but they’ve since grown out of)
• is consistently anxious, fearful, irritable; is hyper-vigilant, easily startled
• is delinquent or angry (children with sexual abuse histories are 40 times more likely than non-victims to become involved in delinquent or adult criminal behavior)
• is reluctant to be with a particular person or to be in a particular place
• is over-compliant; has clinging behavior
• is electively or selectively mute (refuses to talk)
• is excessively aggressive (particularly in boys)
• is disruptive or has changed behavior in school; has poor peer relationships (emphasis on the change–all of the sudden they’re getting bad grades or not getting along with others)
• is cruel to animals
• is setting fires
• runs away, steals, lies
• is using/abusing drugs and/or alcohol (becomes number one symptom of sexual abuse by adulthood)
• has early sexual involvement/ is a prostitute (as many as 64% of girls who are pregnant as teens were sexually abused as children)
• is dissociative/has Multiple Personality Disorder (40% of all psychiatric patients have histories of child sexual abuse) (children with mental illness are more likely to be abused, and children who have been sexually abused are a little more likely to develop a mental illness)

Physical Indicators:

• has a sexually transmitted disease or urinary infections (frequent urinary infections)
• has chronic stomachaches, vomiting
• cries excessively (some kids are extra sensitive by nature–it’s a concern when it’s a sudden or drastic change)
• has a drastic change in appetite; has eating disorders (gagging, anorexia, bulimia, constipation, fecal impaction/retention)
• wets or soils the bed; suddenly engages in uncharacteristic bathroom behaviors, especially after being toilet trained
• has difficulty walking, standing, sitting
• engages in excessive touching of genitals (masturbation is a very common soothing technique for young kids–it’s concerning when it’s happening a lot. More on this below)
• persistently inserts foreign objects into the sexual orifices of self or others
• engages in sexual activity with animals
• has pain when urinating; has pain, swelling, or itching in genital area
• has bruises, bleeding, or lacerations in external genitalia, vaginal/anal areas

Patterns in the Sexually Abusive Family:

• extreme over-protectiveness
• extreme paternal dominance or rigidity
• isolation
• history of sexual abuse of either parent
• distorted belief in physical force to promote acceptable behavior
• unrealistic expectations of child
• parents with a history of emotional, physical, sexual abuse

It’s me again. Some of the indicators above are more concerning than others. For instance, a kid having lot of headaches and stomachaches is something to explore and keep an eye on, but doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a major problem. On the other hand, aggressive sexual behavior towards other children is a major red flag because it means there is a problem.

Something that wasn’t mentioned in the list, but should be, is pornography. A porn addiction can be an indicator of sexual abuse. And allowing children to view porn is sexual abuse, so they’re synonymous. And children are not exempt from porn addictions–a former co-worker worked with an 8-year-old with a pornography addiction.

On the other hand, some of the indications on the above list point to an issue with just pornography, not sexual abuse in the traditional sense. Unusually high sexual knowledge, questioning or obsessing about sex, and imitating sexual activities with other children, etc. can be indicators a child is addicted to porn. It may not even be hardcore porn–I worked with a 7-year-old who had been acting out sexually on a much younger friend. After talking about it with his mom, I learned this boy was fascinated with the racy parts of the R-rated movies his parents watched. Kids are not developmentally ready for explicit sexual knowledge, so they act out to explore what they’ve learned.

Lastly, a quick note on masturbation. It’s pretty normal behavior for young children to masturbate when they’re bored or stressed. It’s soothing. In general, as long as it’s not excessive it’s not a huge concern–it’s something most parents deal with. However, it’s not socially acceptable to do it in public, and some families discourage masturbation altogether. If you’re wanting to curb or stop a child’s issue with masturbation, try this little tip I heard from a therapist. She tells child clients, “If you need to touch your private body parts, go to the bathroom. That’s the place where it’s ok to touch private body parts.” She explained that children who masturbate when bored don’t really like to masturbate in the bathroom. It isn’t comfortable in there, and there’s nothing to do or look at in there. For the kid that masturbates when stressed, saying something like, “I’m wondering if you’re worried or stressed about something,” can address the issue. This can teach kids to manage stress in a more appropriate way.

Next time we’ll talk about what to do if you suspect a child is being sexually abused.

We’ve talked a lot about things parents can teach their kids, but there are also some actions parents can take to prevent sexual abuse. This list was a handout from a parenting course offered by the agency I used to work at. It’s from Exploited Children’s Help Organization, although I’m not sure if that organization exists anymore. The list has a few ideas we’ve already talked about, but I’ll include them for review purposes. My own thoughts are in bold.

As a parent you should:

• Question any money or gifts your child brings home. Gifts are often used to groom children, so ask questions whenever a gift seems odd.
• Ask your child who he or she is spending time with and of the activities in which they engage. Kids with good relationships with a parent are less likely to be abused.
• Find out who your child’s best friend is and why.
• Be watchful of any strong bond that seems to develop between your child and an adult figure in his or her life. It may be totally innocent, but it’s still something to keep an eye on.
• Avoid any overnight trips alone with an adult. Sleepovers in general are a really really bad idea.
• Maintain constant and regular telephone contact with your child whenever one of you is away from home.
• Do not put your child’s name on clothing or school books; this puts your child on a first name basis with an abuser. This is a little overkill, but something to keep in mind. More importantly, don’t put your children’s names in vinyl on the back of your car. Also be careful when posting the names or pictures of your children online. And most importantly, don’t allow children under the age of 13 to have social media accounts.
• Be involved in any sports or activities in which your child participates. Be wary of any teacher or coach that limits parents’ access to classes or practices.
• Never leave a young child alone in a car.
• Listen when your child tells you that he or she does not want to be with or go with someone. There’s usually a good reason.
• Never make your child submit to physical contact (i.e., hugs, kisses, etc.) if your child does not want to. Children have the right to say no.
• Understand that no one should want to be with your child more than you. When someone is showing your child too much attention, ask yourself why.
• Be sensitive to any changes in your child’s behavior or attitudes. Encourage an open communication with your child. Never belittle any fear or concern your child may express to you. Never compromise any private or confidential matter your child may share with you. We’ll talk about warning signs of sexual abuse next time.
• Teach your child your home phone number and area code and how to use the telephone, both local and long distance. Technology has changed a lot since this was written, but having a few phone numbers memorized is a really good idea. Also, since home phones are becoming less and less common, be sure your older children have access to a phone when they’re home alone.
• Have your school notify you when your child does not report to school. This is also a slight overkill, and I think most schools now call anyway. It’s something to check on, though.
• Know to whose care you entrust your children. Demand that schools, youth groups, camps, and other organizations do thorough checks on employees and volunteers.
• Know the signs that a child may have been assaulted, such as unexplained physical disturbances, loss of appetite, disturbed sleep, mood change, and sudden sexually focused behavior, such as talking more about parts of the body or adding genitalia to drawings.
• Believe your children if they say they have been assaulted. Experts agree that children seldom lie about molestation.

Teach your children:

• No one has the right to touch the private parts of their bodies or make them feel uncomfortable. They have the right to say no.
• Adults do not come to children for help. Adults ask adults for help.
• Never go near a car with someone in it, and never get in a car without your permission.
• Make you aware of any unusual discussion or strange requests.
• Tell you when any adults ask them to keep a “secret”.
• Tell you of gifts and money given to them.
• Not to go into someone’s home without your knowledge. Even if it’s a friend or family member’s home.
• When away from home, scared or uncomfortable, they have the right to use the telephone without anyone’s permission. This one is a little tricky with mobile phones, because an abuser is probably going to have a locked phone, and pay phones are almost obsolete.
• Tell you of any situation where a statement or gesture is made about sex or love. I’d add that they should tell you if someone keeps trying to hug or kiss them.
• Never answer the door when alone.
• Never admit to anyone over the telephone that they are home alone.
• You will always believe them about being molested and will protect them from any further harm.
• They should always tell you or someone they trust if they feel badly about the way someone has treated them.
• Teach your child a secret code word that only you and your child know to be used in an emergency. This can be used in an emergency when you need a neighbor to pick your child up from school, and it can also be a code word for your child to discreetly let you know they’re uncomfortable with a situation.
• The difference between doing something bad and being the victim of wrong-doing

Next time we’ll talk about some of the warning signs of sexual abuse.

Questions? Let me know!

About five years ago I went to a conference and attended a workshop on child sexual assault perpetrator characteristics. The presenter (Craig Ackley of Behavioral Science Education and Consultation Services) outlined eight different types of child sexual abusers. All your kid needs to know is that a sexual abuser could be anyone. However, I think it’s helpful for adults to have an idea of what adult sexual abusers are actually like. This can demystify misconceptions and help you be more aware of questionable behavior.

High Fixation: Preferential

The first four types tend to have a high level of fixation. This means the sexual abuser has a conscious sexual preference for children or adolescents. Often preferential sexual abusers have a very specific age range they like to target. Someone with a preference for pre-pubescent children is called a pedophile and someone with a preference for post-pubescent teens is called a hebephile.

Interpersonal

The interpersonal sexual abuser has a high level of fixation–more so with pedophiles than hebephiles. This means pedophiles are more rigid in the age range they target, and hebephiles are a little more willing to go outside their age preference. This age preference might be a reflection of a significant event–happy or sad–in their own childhood or adolescence. Interpersonal abusers tend to have many victims because the victims grow out of the preferred age range and need to be replaced.

Interpersonal abusers usually won’t have age-appropriate romantic relationships. Hebephile interpersonal abusers will sometimes have non-sexual relationships with peers, but pedophiles tend to be loners and don’t relate well to others. Interpersonal abusers tend to feel inferior to people their own age and for that reason prefer kids or teens. They may also target vulnerable kids and teens to temper their own feelings of inferiority.

Interpersonal abusers usually place themselves in a position where they have a high level of contact with their preferred age group. They may purposely work, volunteer, or hang out in places where they have access to a bunch of kids.

Interpersonal uses a high level of seduction to lure kids in or reassure the child’s parents or caretakers. This is called grooming. They invest a lot of time, money, and resources into the sexual abuse and it’s very well-planned.

Interpersonal abusers use a very low level of aggression and very rarely use violence. They see the abuse as a relationship–both sexually and emotionally–and legitimately believe they’re acting out of love. For this reason they don’t feel remorse for the abuse because they don’t think it’s harmful. With pedophiles the relationship is usually one-way, but hebephiles’ goal is to create a mutual relationship. It’s very atypical for interpersonal abusers to target children or teens they don’t know–to them it’s a relationship to be developed, not a one-night-stand.

Narcissistic

Much like interpersonal abusers, narcissistic abusers usually have a high level of fixation for certain age groups and lots of opportunities for interaction with that age group.

The thing that really sets them apart from interpersonal abusers is that they aren’t really seeking an emotional relationship with the child or teen. They are instead motivated by a desire for sexual gratification. Narcissistic abusers are more savvy socially and are a little more likely to be married than interpersonal abusers.

Another big difference is that narcissistic abusers will sometimes target a child they know, and sometimes it will be a stranger. They will often still use grooming, but things are usually a little less planned-out.

Sadistic/Muted Sadistic

Sadistic and muted sadistic abusers have a fixed age preference, but usually don’t have a high level of contact with kids. Sadistic and muted sadistic usually target children they don’t know.

Sadistic abusers use a high level of sexual violence, whereas muted sadistic tends to use less violence. Sadistic are the second most likely type to kill their victim. Muted sadistic may injure the child and terrorize or humiliate the child, but usually don’t kill them. However, both are motivated by sexual gratification and are aroused by the victim’s response of pain or fear.

Introverted

Introverted abusers are much like narcissistic abusers. The introverted abuser has a fixed preference for kids or teens, is usually seeking sexual gratification rather than a relationship, and they do it in a non-violent way. However, the major difference is introverted abusers usually don’t have the social skills to use seduction and grooming to gain a victim, and this gives them much less access to kids. Thus introverted abusers usually target strangers or very young children.

Low Fixation: Situational

The remaining four types are situational. This means the abuser doesn’t necessarily have a sexual attraction to children or teens. The abuser abuses as the opportunity arises or as a response to stressful circumstances. Low-fixation abusers usually don’t have a high level of contact with children because they usually aren’t seeking out opportunities to abuse.

Non-Sadistic Aggressive

Non-sadistic aggressive types are morally indiscriminate and generally will commit a plethora of crime if he thinks he can get away with it. Victims of non-sadistic aggressive abusers can be either children or adults, acquaintances or strangers–it doesn’t really matter which as long as there’s the opportunity.

Non-sadistic aggressive are very violent and are the type most likely to kill their victims. They are impulsive and drugs or alcohol often contribute to this. Non-sadistic aggressive abusers may abduct their victims.

Regressed

Regressed abusers usually have fairly normal, age-appropriate sexual relationships, and this is their primary sexual interest. However, regressed may also have a less-prominent interest in children or teens. They only act out sexually on kids or teens during times of extreme stress or when an age-appropriate relationship is in conflict. Drug and alcohol use can play a factor in this abuse, and the abuse is not planned out ahead of time.

Much like the narcissistic type, the purpose of the abuse is sexual gratification, so victims can be either acquaintances or strangers. Regressed abusers usually aren’t overtly violent, however if something unexpected happens that causes the abuser to panic, they may kill or hurt their victim. Even so, regressed abusers often feel remorse afterwards, and are the most likely to turn themselves in.

Exploitative

Exploitative abusers are motivated by a desire to experiment sexually–they are open to whatever comes along. Selection of victims is based on availability and vulnerability. They abuse when the opportunity arises and don’t plan it out.

Incest

Incestuous abusers are like regressed abusers in that they usually have an age-appropriate sexual relationship in conjunction with a sexual interest in children or teens. However, the victims are their own children. Incestuous abusers are very emotionally and physically controlling, both within the family and outside of the home. They may be violent either to their spouse or their children. The abuse is not only for sexual gratification purposes, but also to exert control or express anger.

An Important Side-Note:

I haven’t said anything about whether any of the eight are typically male, female, gay, straight, etc. That’s because there’s really no hard and fast rule there. Often the conception is that it’s the gay people to watch out for. They’re often viewed as being sexually deviant, and that doesn’t seem like too big of a step away from sexually abusing children. But in reality they’re no more likely to sexually abuse kids than straight folks. It’s also commonly believed that women don’t sexually abuse kids–another misconception. Stats generally reflect that men are more likely to be sexual abusers, but keep in mind victims of women sexual abusers (most often male) are probably less likely to report sexual abuse.

Next time we’ll discuss some strategies of how adults can prevent sexual abuse.

If you have questions, let me know!

When asked this question, kids generally guess that sexual abusers are strangers, that they look scary, and wear one of those knit robber masks. Across the board, that’s what’s being envisioned. However, someone who sexually abuses kids could be anyone.

It can be either a girl or a boy.

It can be either an adult, a teenager, or a kid.

It can be either someone who acts mean or someone who acts nice.

It can be either someone who dresses nicely or someone who doesn’t have nice clothes.

There really isn’t a great stereotype for sexual abusers because they can look like anyone. However, there’s one very important fact to remember:

Sexual abusers are usually someone the kid knows.

There are a variety of numbers out there, but the general consensus is approximately 90% of sexual abuse is perpetrated by someone the victim knows. The public has really latched on to stranger danger, and I think that’s because it’s easy to teach your kids to be wary of people they don’t know. And although this is a great safety rule-of-thumb, the relevance is blown way out of proportion. Kids are far more likely (to an almost ridiculous degree) to be hurt by someone they do know.

Something to clarify to kids is that although most sexual abusers are someone the kid knows, this doesn’t mean everyone your child knows is a sexual abuser. Sometimes kids are sexually abused by their uncles, but it doesn’t mean your child’s uncles are sexual abusers. What this means is that even if a child is sexually abused by someone they know–even love–it’s still wrong.

I’ve already mentioned this above, but it’s something worth emphasizing to your kids: Sometimes kids are sexually abused by other kids. It actually happens quite often. However, the implications are a little different when it’s a child sexually abusing other children. It’s almost a guarantee that if a kid is acting out sexually on other kids, that kid has either been sexually abused himself or herself, or that kid has been exposed significantly to pornography, and that child needs help. A normal kid with no sexual experience and no exposure to pornography will not sexually abuse others.

That being said, young kids sometimes get curious about each others’ bodies, and this is very normal at certain stages of development. If it’s mutual curiosity and one child isn’t coercing the other, it’s fairly safe to say it’s pretty innocent. I’ll go more into this in a different post.

I’ve already mentioned this in the Why Prevention post, but it’s worth repeating. Sexual abusers can be anyone, and sexual abuse victims can also be anyone. Boys aren’t exempt. Teenagers aren’t exempt. Kids from wealthy families aren’t exempt. It can happen to anyone. This is why prevention is so important.

Next we’ll take a further look into how sexual abusers can be successful in carrying out sexual abuse.

I’m happy to answer questions if you have them!

Sometimes kids get kind of stuck on the part of our definition that says sexual abuse is touching or looking at private body parts. And while this is true, there are times when someone is looking at or touching private body parts, and it’s not sexual abuse. Here are some common examples:

• When a baby’s diaper is being changed. This is not sexual abuse. Babies can’t change their own diapers, so they need help. The baby might be forced to have a diaper changed, but it’s something that must be done or the baby will get a diaper rash. It’s helping, not hurting, so this is not sexual abuse.
• When a kid needs help getting dressed or going to the bathroom. Similar to the example above, kids sometimes can’t take care of their bodies by themselves, so a parent needs to help. This is not sexual abuse.
• When a doctor or nurse needs to check private body parts for problems. This isn’t sexual abuse either. Sometimes if a kid is sick or getting a checkup, private body parts are looked at or touched. This may not be fun, but it can be necessary to find and fix problems, so it’s helping. A doctor or nurse would never be alone with a child while checking private body parts–parents will know about it and be in the room.
• When a kid has a problem with private body parts (a rash, scrape, sliver, etc). When a kid has a problem with private body parts she may need help from a parent to fix it–whether it be applying some medicine or getting a sliver out. This is not sexual abuse because it’s helping, not hurting.
• When someone helps a kid take a bath. Little kids can’t take baths by themselves. They can’t clean themselves very well, and a parent may need to make sure they’re being safe and not splashing water all over the bathroom. This is helping, not hurting.
• When a kid has been hurt and needs help getting dressed, using the bathroom, or bathing. Usually older kids don’t need help taking care of their bodies, but if they have a big cast on their leg or arm, they may need some help. This isn’t sexual abuse.

These are just a few examples. The key to figuring out whether or not something is sexual abuse is looking at if it’s helping or hurting. If a kid isn’t sure if something is sexual abuse or not, it’s a good idea to talk to someone he trusts so he can figure it out.

On the flip side, some tricks may look like helping at first glance, but are actually hurting and sexual abuse. For example, pretending to be a doctor or nurse in order to look at private body parts or pretending to apply medicine to private body parts. The uh-oh feeling will let a kid know when someone is tricking them.

Up next:  Who sexually abuses kids?

Let me know if you have questions!

Shaming victims of sexual abuse was common practice for a very long time in many parts of the world. Many cultures still have issues with this, although some are done more subtly than others. All shaming generally flows from one idea: Surely there was something you could have done to prevent your sexual abuse, and therefore you are partially responsible.

This comes up especially when adult women are raped. She shouldn’t have been out alone. She shouldn’t have dressed like that. She shouldn’t have been drinking. She should have watched her drink more closely. She should have kept mace in her purse. She shouldn’t have trusted him. She should have had her phone with her. She should have been less flirty. The list goes on and on.

But really, whether someone made all the right choices or all the wrong choices is beyond the point: It’s never ever the victim’s fault. And if adults have a hard time appropriately assigning blame for sexual abuse, you’d better believe kids do too.

Sexual abusers will often tell their child victims something along the lines of, “It’s all your fault this happened to you, so if you tell someone, you’re the one who will be in trouble.” If a kid has been feeling the uh-oh feeling, it’s really not a far cry for them to truly believe they’re feeling bad because they’ve done something wrong. This is where knowing the definition of sexual abuse comes in handy. A kid who knows exactly what sexual abuse is and knows it’s wrong is less likely to believe the abuse is his fault.

Another important concept to emphasize to kids is no matter how many times sexual abuse happens, it’s still never the child’s fault. Sometimes a kid will recognize that what is happening is sexual abuse, but they don’t have the courage to make it stop. They may feel guilty they’re too scared to tell, so they wrongly believe feeling this guilt means the abuse is their fault. They think they’ll get in trouble for not telling soon enough.

I’ve mentioned before how sexual abuse can often feel physically good to a victim. A child may feel really guilty they enjoyed a touch they knew was wrong, and that’s sometimes enough to make a kid feel as though they’ve done something wrong.

There are times when kids disobey rules and it results in them being sexually abused. Even when kids make mistakes and break rules, it’s still never their fault if they are sexually abused. We always told a little story to illustrate this point.

One time a little boy really wanted to ride his bike to the park, but his mom told him no. He really, really wanted to, so he decided to ride his bike to the park anyway. When he was there some kids tried to sexually abuse him. He got away from those kids, but when he got home he wasn’t sure what to do. He knew he should tell his parents about what happened, but he also really didn’t want to get in trouble for disobeying his mom. He was also worried that it might be his fault since it never would have happened if he’d listened to his mom.

I’d then ask the class what he should do, and then reinforce that yes, he should tell. He may get in trouble for disobeying his mom, but it’s still not his fault someone tried to sexually abuse him. He’ll feel a lot better about what happened if he tells his parents, and also adults need to know about things like this so they can make sure it doesn’t happen to any other kid.

It doesn’t matter what the circumstance is, it is absolutely never the child’s fault if sexual abuse happens to them. There is nothing a child can do that would make the abuse even partially her fault.

Even if your child is never sexually abused, it’s good to emphasize that sexual abuse doesn’t make someone a bad person or a less important person. Sexual abuse is a sad thing that happens to some people, but they’re still important. The term “damaged goods” gets thrown around sometimes with sexual abuse victims, and this is poisonous thinking. We’d never consider the victim of a robbery “damaged goods” and sexual abuse victims are no different.

Sometimes parents do absolutely everything they can to prevent sexual abuse and it still happens. If this happens to you, it’s not your fault either. You can’t control the poor decisions other people make. Pam Church, the author of the Good-Touch/Bad-Touch curriculum, learned her child was being sexually abused while she was in the process of writing the curriculum. Nobody is exempt from this problem. Do the best you can!

Next time we’ll talk about situations where it’s kind of tricky to tell whether it’s sexual abuse or not.

As always, ask questions if you have them!

Secrets and promises can be either good or bad. Surprisingly, it’s pretty common for kids to believe it’s never ok to tell a secret and never ok to break a promise. It’s important for kids to be able to identify a bad secret or promise so they know when it’s ok to tell the secret or break the promise.

A bad secret hurts someone’s feelings or body. It makes you feel the uh-oh feeling. If someone asks you to never tell about something, it’s probably a bad secret. You should always tell an adult you trust about bad secrets.

This idea obviously extends much further than just sexual abuse prevention. If some kid gives your child a black eye and says, “Don’t you dare tell anyone it was me,” that’s a bad secret, and your child should tell someone. Someone was hurt and it’s a secret meant to be kept forever. The same applies to someone who has been sexually abused. A line a sexual abuser might use is “This is a secret, and you’re such a good secret-keeper. You’d never tell, would you? I know I can trust you to not tell.” A sexual abuser might play up the idea that keeping secrets is a very important virtue, making your child feel like a bad, untrustworthy person for telling. Kids need to pay attention to their uh-oh feeling when someone asks them to keep a secret. If it feels wrong, it’s probably wrong.

A good secret is fun for everyone and nobody gets hurt. Good secrets aren’t supposed to be a secret forever.

Surprises are a great example of a good secret. If a kid goes with you to get a present for his sister’s birthday you might say, “Don’t tell her about this gift–it’s a secret.” This is a good secret because nobody is being hurt and the sister will find out the secret on her birthday.

If someone makes you to promise to do something that makes you feel the uh-oh feeling, you don’t have to keep that promise.

As I mentioned before, kids tend to have very black and white thinking on promises. Keeping a promise is good, and breaking a promise is bad. And while learning to follow through is a great life-skill, keeping promises isn’t always good. The key is to pay attention to the uh-oh feeling.

Next we’ll talk about why it’s never the child’s fault if sexual abuse happens to them.

Questions? Fire away.

If I am sexually abused, I can tell an adult I trust.

Ideally, if your child is sexually abused she will come to you first. However, sexual abuse is often a super embarrassing problem for a kid. It’s possible that your child may not be comfortable telling you, and that’s ok–don’t take it personally. What’s important is that they tell someone. Help your child identify a bunch of other adults they could tell if they have a problem. This can be her teacher at school, a neighbor, a friend’s mom, a teacher or leader at church, a school counselor, a grandparent, etc.

I always gave these two rules when asking kids to think about adults they trust: 1. They have to be old enough to drive a car. 2. It needs to be someone you see a lot and you could get to really easily.

Firstly, kids don’t always understand exactly how old “adult” is. In a 7-year-old’s mind, a thirteen-year-old brother is basically an adult. In my experience, it was rare for a kid to not know if someone was old enough to drive a car, thus making it easy to tell if they’re an adult. As for the second rule, it’s really common for kids to say they’d tell a police officer or some other official. That works great if you happen to have a police officer living in your neighborhood, but if not, police aren’t exactly easy for a kid to flag down. It needs to be someone they can count on seeing at least once a week.

Some kids ask about calling 911 to tell. This is such a tricky question. I’ll go out on a limb and say most of the time this either isn’t the best thing to do or not a viable option. The purpose of 911 is to save a life, stop a crime, or report a fire. It’s for urgent problems. While sexual abuse is a really big problem, it’s usually not a super urgent problem. Most sexual abuse isn’t life-threatening (sexual abusers usually get access by being nice, not violent) but if your child’s life is in danger, he probably won’t have access to a phone. There is, however, a national hotline your child can call if he isn’t comfortable telling anyone he knows: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). If you have a kid or two of the bashful sort, it might not be a bad idea to keep this number on your emergency contact list so they can use it discreetly if needed.

If I tell someone and they don’t believe me, I can keep telling until someone believes me and helps me.

It’s a tragedy on top of a tragedy, but sometimes kids tell adults about sexual abuse and adults don’t do anything about it. Sometimes it’s a conscious decision and sometimes it isn’t. Kids often test the waters with vague comments or questions before disclosing exactly what happened. For example, a kid might say, “A person was so mean to me,” to get a feel for how you’ll respond. A well-intending parent might jump in a little too aggressively and press their child to spill everything at once. It takes courage to tell, and she may need to wade into the problem gradually instead of jumping in. Be supportive whenever kids volunteer information on problems they have, and thank them for keeping you in the know. Create an environment in your home where it’s safe to tell.

Unfortunately, sometimes kids are forthcoming with the details and the adult shoots them down immediately. When a child accuses a beloved family member or trusted friend of sexually abusing them, sometimes the response by mom or dad is incredulity and/or outrage. “How dare you say that about Uncle —–!” Or maybe, “If you’re lying to me about this, you’re going to be in such big trouble.” What kid is going to pursue that conversation? When the kid doesn’t bring it up again, the adult assumes the kid was making it up, and the problem continues.

Kids need to know if they tell an adult and the adult doesn’t believe them or doesn’t help them, that adult made a mistake. Adults make mistakes sometimes, but that shouldn’t keep kids from getting help. They should tell someone else and keep telling until someone listens.

It’s never too late to tell.

Kids are used to telling adults about problems right away. If a kid gets sand thrown at him, he’ll run and tell the teacher, and then it’ll probably be one of the first things he tells his mom after school. Kids perceive there’s sort of a statute of limitations in telling–it’s not as effective when you tell the teacher the day after, and definitely not a week or month after.

Unfortunately, sexual abuse is often a subtle and slow-moving crime (we’ll go more into this later). Sometimes kids don’t realize things have evolved into sexual abuse until after it’s been going on for a while. All of the sudden it already seems too late to tell, and they feel as though they missed that window of opportunity.  It can’t be emphasized enough that it’s never ever too late. It doesn’t matter how long ago it happened, and it doesn’t matter how many times the sexual abuse happened. It’s never too late.

Tattling means you’re trying to get someone in trouble. Telling means you’re trying to get help for a problem.

Sometimes it’s hard for kids to tell the difference between tattling and telling. The differentiation is in the motive–the reason why. It’s tattling if a kid tells mom about a sibling sticking out her tongue–nobody needs help, and it’s just trying to get the sibling in trouble. It’s telling if someone is in danger or is getting hurt–someone needs help, and although someone may get in trouble, that’s not the reason for telling. It should be emphasized that it’s never tattling to tell an adult about sexual abuse–even if the sexual abuser calls it tattling.

What should a kid do if his friend is being sexually abused but doesn’t want him to tell anyone? Kids should know it’s not tattling to tell for a friend. That friend needs help, and if they don’t have the courage to get help for themselves it’s ok for a friend to do it for them.

It’s never ok to lie or joke about sexual abuse.

This one should go without saying, but sometimes kids like to make a stir, and claiming to have been sexually abused does exactly that. It goes back to the story of the boy who cried wolf. If you say you have a problem when you really don’t, you’re less likely to get help if one day you really do have a problem.

Some elementary-aged kids love joking about irreverent things–potty humor is a prime example. Kids should know sexual abuse is a very serious problem and something that should never ever be joked about.

Next time we’ll talk about some important clarifications to make with your kids on secrets and promises.

Let me know if you have questions!

The third of the five body safety rules is to say no and get away. This one is something most parents teach their kids anyway–it’s the hallmark of stranger danger. Thus, it doesn’t require too much explanation, but there are a few ideas you may not have thought about before.

You have the right to say no if someone is hurting you.

Kids identify most readily with the idea of saying no to physical hurt. Most kids deal with that one mean kid on the playground or an overly-aggressive sibling. They know physical hurt is wrong and are usually pretty quick to say no to that. However, it doesn’t always occur to them that they have the right to say no to any kind of hurt from anyone.

Sexual abuse, more often than not, isn’t the physical walloping kids may envision. Although sexual abuse doesn’t always hurt the body, it’s always, always, always emotionally damaging. It hurts feelings, which is actually harder to heal than our bodies. Kids have the right to say no to anything that hurts them.

As a sidenote, in your family you may have a policy that if other kids are verbally abusing (bullying) your kids, they need to try to deal with it on their own before asking for help. This is actually a really good way to help your kids learn to solve problems on their own. But if that’s the case in your family, make it clear that if someone is sexually abusing them, you want to know right away. Clarify that there’s a big difference between somebody making fun of their hair and someone saying inappropriate things about private body parts. One is just mean, and the other is mean and sexual abuse.

Back to saying no. Kids also have the right to say no to anyone if they are being hurt. Your kids need to know this includes adults. Most adults are nice and helpful. However, anytime an adult is asking a kid to do something wrong, kids absolutely have the right to say no. They have the right to say no if the person is acting really nice (as sexual abusers often are). They have the right to say no even if it doesn’t seem polite. They have the right to say no if it’s a neighbor they really like. They have the right to say no even if they’re related to the person. Nobody has the right to hurt a kid.

I have the right to feel safe.

The rules teach kids to get away from anyone trying to hurt them. However, it’s a situation-by-situation sort of thing. Sometimes it’s possible to run home if someone is sexually abusing them. Sometimes it’s a good idea to kick, punch, or bite to get away. But sometimes, sadly, sexual abuse can’t be averted. The bottom line is, kids should do whatever they need to feel safe.

A while ago I read Elizabeth Smart’s book on her abduction, and the theme over and over again was, “I did what I thought I needed to do to survive.” Although a kidnapping situation like hers is pretty rare, it applies to all sexual abuse victims. Do what you have to do. Listen to the uh-oh feeling. You don’t win by beating up that nasty person. You win by surviving.

Next we’ll talk about the hard business of telling.

I’m always happy to answer questions. Ask below!