Power to Prevent

Another essential rule for preventing sexual abuse is to pay close attention to the uh-oh feeling. The uh-oh feeling is more commonly called a person’s conscience, but that’s a hard word for kids. Calling it the uh-oh feeling is a little more descriptive of what your conscience feels like, which makes it easier for kids to relate to.

The uh-oh feeling is a little friend that lives inside you and lets you know if something is wrong. The uh-oh feeling means you should be careful and ask questions.

It’s juvenile, but kids really latch on to this idea of a little helper friend. For older kids you can describe it as a warning system everyone feels when something is wrong. If you’re a Christian you may call it the Holy Ghost.

Even if you aren’t particularly religious, the fact that everyone feels that same uh-oh feeling is really a beautiful thing. There is something hardwired in us to sense when something isn’t quite right. That instinctive gut-reaction is so often correct, even when all our other senses say things seem normal. This makes the uh-oh feeling a crazy helpful tool in making safe choices.

People can feel the uh-oh feeling for different reasons. It can be because they’ve done something wrong. It can be because they’re scared. It can be because someone is hurting them. Sometimes you feel the uh-oh feeling and it doesn’t seem like anything is wrong at all.

It’s a good idea to discuss with your child different times or reasons he or she has felt the uh-oh feeling. You could even share a time you felt the uh-oh feeling. I usually shared about a time when a friend was over at my house and we wanted to walk to another friend’s house just down the street. We got permission from my mom, but as we were walking I got a really bad feeling about going over there. There was no reason to feel nervous, but something didn’t feel right. I told my friend and she felt the same way, so we turned around and went back to my house. I never found out why we both got that uh-oh feeling, but I’m glad we listened anyway.

The uh-oh feeling keeps us safe.

The uh-oh feeling is really important when it comes to sexual abuse because it warns kids when a touch isn’t ok. It warns kids when they’re seeing or hearing things that aren’t ok. The uh-oh feeling also warns kids if they’re being forced to do something wrong or being tricked.

If something feels wrong, I’m always right.

If a kid is feeling the uh-oh feeling, there’s probably a good reason. I always told kids that if they’re feeling the uh-oh feeling it’s a good time to ask questions. Asking questions can either clear up confusion the child is feeling or alert adults to something sketchy. But in order for this to happen, parents need to be emotionally available to address their children’s concerns. I’ve had kids tell me they’ve hesitated to talk to their mom or dad about something bothering them because they didn’t want to “bug” them. Kids aren’t dumb; if they’re led to believe you don’t care about “unimportant” concerns, they’ll start screening their concerns from you. Unfortunately, kids aren’t necessarily great at deciding what is and isn’t important for you to know.

Any time your child comes to you saying that they have a bad feeling about a thing, person, or situation, hear them out and thank them for telling you. Explore why they’re worried and answer any questions they have. If you respond well to your child’s little worries, they’re more likely to trust you with bigger, more serious worries.

This ties back in to our previous discussion on forcing and tricking. Not only should kids be thinking critically about why someone is asking them to do something, it’s just as important for them to be very aware how they feel. When somebody is trying to get your child to do something wrong, he may be able to come up with a pretty good reason for your child to participate. The reason might make sense to your child, but if it’s wrong she’ll probably still have an uneasy feeling. Listen to the uh-oh feeling!

Next time we’ll talk about teaching kids to say no and get away from anyone hurting them.

Questions? Fire away below.

When I taught GTBT we always gave kids a card that contained five essential rules for kids to remember about keeping their bodies safe. The first and foremost rule was “It’s my body!”

Your body belongs to you. You are in charge of your body.

It seems like a no-brainer, but it’s actually a good thing to bring up. Although kids get a lot of help taking care of their bodies, ultimately they have ownership over their own bodies. This is why kids need to know safety rules–so they know how to take good care of their bodies.

You are special. This means there will never be anybody just like you in the entire world!

It’s also important to emphasize to your child that she is very special and there are a lot of people who love and care about her. Making a list of all the people who would care if she got hurt may be helpful.

Something most kids don’t realize is that even most strangers want kids to be happy and safe. Parents and educators put a lot of emphasis on stranger danger (rightfully), but the dangerous strangers are really a minority. Most people are nice and want to help. An example I always brought up (it was really big local news at the time) was of a guy who got hit by a car while he was riding his motorcycle. When he got hit, he somehow got stuck under the car–and the car was on fire! A bunch of complete strangers saw this happen and ran over to help. Together they lifted the car up, and then pulled him out and away to safety. None of those people knew the motorcycle rider, but they saw he was in trouble and wanted to help. It’s helpful for kids to know that although they should be careful around strangers, most most strangers would help if they saw a kid was being hurt.

Another way to explain the concept of being special to kids is to emphasize that they will only have one body. If you hurt your thumb you can’t just go to the thumb store and get a new thumb. Bodies are a precious commodity, and although body parts can be fixed (and sometimes replaced) it’s important to take really good care of your body.

You have the right to decide how you want to share your body.

This is the biggest, most important point to make, and it’s one parents forget about all too often. I’m guilty of it too. There are times when I tell my son, “Give me a hug!” and he shakes his head no. So then I grab him and hug him anyway (because I love him so much), and all the while he’s trying to squirm away because he doesn’t want a hug. Things like this happen all the time. Your kids don’t want to give Grandma a kiss, but you make them. They don’t want to hold hands with each other, but you make them anyway.

Although kissing Grandma and holding hands with a brother are pretty harmless, it sends a message to the kid that he isn’t allowed to have boundaries. It tells him he isn’t allowed to decide what physical interaction he’s comfortable with. It tells him other people’s feelings are more important than his.

Allow your child to have boundaries in showing affection, and respect them. Although, teach them to enforce their boundaries politely–“I love you, Grandma, but I’d rather not kiss you. Can I give you a hug instead?” Kids who know they don’t have to kiss Grandma also know they don’t have to participate in sexual abuse.

Next we’ll go over what the uh-oh feeling is and why it’s useful.

Questions or comments? Let me know below!

The concepts of forcing and tricking are the crux of a child’s understanding of sexual abuse. Almost every situation kids might question, whether it’s sexual abuse or not, can be clarified by looking into whether someone was forcing or tricking.

Force

As I mentioned in the last post, force is when someone makes you do something you don’t want to do or don’t understand. I often described it to older kids as being either physical force (someone holding you down, beating you up, etc.) or psychological force (someone putting you in a situation where you feel you don’t have a choice).

Of course, there’s a major caveat to force.

Parents force their kids to do stuff they don’t want to do all the time. We make kids go to bed, eat dinner, stop playing outside, go to the dentist, get shots, brush teeth, do homework, wear seat belts… The list goes on and on. And most kids don’t want to do any of these things!

This is why it’s important to clarify to kids the difference between good force and bad force (and “may the force be with you” force). If you look through the above list of parentally-forced activities, every single one of them has a really good “why” behind it. So they aren’t tired at school, so they aren’t hungry, so they don’t get too cold, so they can have their teeth cleaned, so they don’t get sick, so they don’t get plaque, so they get good grades, so they’re safe in a crash… Good force always makes sense, and it’s always good for the child. Kids are good at recognizing there are things they don’t like, but are good for them.

Bad force is not only something you don’t want to do, but there’s also not a good reason to do it. It doesn’t make sense, and it’s hurtful instead of helpful.

Kids need to know they should never be afraid to ask why. This can be obnoxious to parents sometimes, but if someone tells your child he has to participate in sexual abuse, you don’t want him to blindly acquiesce. You want him to ask why. You want him to think it through and realize it doesn’t make sense and will hurt him.

Tricks

As you may recall, tricking is when someone fools you, lies to you, pretends, calls something a game that isn’t really a game or tells jokes that aren’t really funny. Sexual abusers are really really good at tricking. They have a lot at stake, so the tricks are by nature super convincing–sometimes even to adults.

Kids need to know how sneaky and persistent sexual abusers can be. We’ll get more into this later, but most lay some very intricate groundwork before even attempting to sexually abuse a kid. They find ways to make the kid trust them, which makes tricking the kid that much easier. The better kids are at recognizing a trick, the easier it is for them to identify when someone is trying to take advantage of them.

There are two types of tricks: tricks that seem nice and tricks that seem mean. Both are wrong.

Mean tricks are what most kids probably envision. A mean trick usually uses fear or guilt to manipulate the child and usually comes in the form of threats. For example, a sexual abuser may threaten to physically hurt the child if he tells. The abuser may say he’ll do the same thing to the child’s sibling. The abuser may tell the child she’s damaged goods and nobody will like her if they know what happened to her. The abuser may convince the child it’s all his fault. Mean tricks are scary.

Seemingly nice tricks are a little harder for kids to digest. This is when an abuser is doing or saying nice things to make the child feel obligated to comply with the abuser’s wishes. Sexual abusers can be persuasively nice, and kids should be prepared for this.

The abuser might say, “Hey, I got some ice cream for you–come sit in my car with me and eat it.” If the kid refuses he might say, “I went out of my way to get this ice cream cone just for you–I’ll feel bad if you don’t eat it with me.” If the child still says no he may say, “This is going to melt all over my car if you don’t come and eat it. That’ll be such a mess–just come eat it really quickly.” The child may start to feel guilty and say, “Ok, but I’d rather eat it out here on the grass where my mom can see me.” To which the abuser would probably say, “Oh, you know, I just bought a gallon of milk and if I turn off my AC the car will get hot and spoil my milk. Mmmm, I’d just leave my car running, but that’s a good way to get my car stolen. You understand, right? Just come in here and eat your ice cream before it melts. It’ll only take a couple minutes.”

Keep in mind, this is someone the child already knows. It’s not some random creepy guy she’s never seen before; it’s somebody from the neighborhood or even a family member. Kids get really concerned about hurting the feelings of adults they know, so a little persuasion can go a long way. Most kids know to say no when strangers offer them things, but kids should also be wary of random gifts from people they do know–especially when mom or dad isn’t around. Kids should also know it’s a major red flag when someone says, “Don’t tell your parents I gave this to you.”

That being said, sometimes grandparents, aunts, babysitters, etc. tell this to kids when they’ve given the child something the parents wouldn’t approve of–candy before dinner, caffeine before bedtime, etc. This is innocent, of course, but training a child to keep secrets so an adult won’t get in trouble is a dangerous thing to do. When a child is used to being asked to keep things from her parents, that child may not hesitate when a sexual abuser asks for the same favor.

Sexual abusers often give kids gifts as collateral for keeping a secret. It’s a trick to keep kids quiet, and it works. An abuser may give the child a toy he really wanted with the condition, “If you tell anyone, I’ll take it back.” The abuser may also give the condition that the child can only play with the toy while he’s with the abuser. This keeps parents from getting suspicious about randomly receiving new (perhaps expensive) toys and keeps the child coming back voluntarily. See, so tricky and so manipulatively nice.

Another trick sexual abusers use is caching in on kids’ interest in playing pretend. They pretend to be doctors, nurses, etc. to look at and touch private body parts, all under the guise that it’s all pretend, so it’s ok. Sexual abusers will also sometimes disguise sexual abuse as a game to trick kids into participating. A kid who doesn’t know what sexual abuse is may actually believe this weird little touching game really is normal.

Lastly, sometimes sexual abusers trick kids by pretending they need help. For example, they can’t find their dog, or they don’t know where the bathroom at the park is. Some kids like the powerful feeling of helping an adult, but they need to be wary of any adult asking for help. They should always respond with, “I’m just a kid. Go ask another adult for help.”

Above all, teach kids to use their heads! If it doesn’t make sense and feels weird, it’s probably wrong.

Next time we’ll talk about the most important rule in body safety–It’s my body!

As always, let me know if you have questions, comments, or concerns!

Some may wonder why it’s important to use the words “sexual abuse” rather than calling it something–anything–else. Sexual abuse is a real problem and giving it a fake name just mystifies things. It’d be like telling kids that a really awful problem happens to teeth when you don’t brush. And when this awful problem happens, you have to go to the dentist so they can get rid of this awful problem. A mysterious “awful problem” sounds much worse than a cavity. It’s empowering to know a problem’s name, and this is why it’s important to call it by it’s name–sexual abuse.

Sexual abuse is a sad problem some kids have.

This is a good starting point for a discussion on sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is sad. Sexual abuse is a problem. Sexual abuse happens sometimes.

Sexual abuse is forced or tricked touch of private body parts.

I’d suggest using this phrase word for word. It’s brief, accurate, and most importantly, age-appropriate. This, of course, doesn’t cover all bases, but it’s quick and easy to remember. Here is the extended version:

Sexual abuse is when somebody forces or tricks a child into touching the private parts of another person’s body.  Or sexual abuse can be forced or tricked touching of the child’s body.  Sexual abuse can also be forcing or tricking a child to look at private body parts (even if it’s just a picture or video), or forcing or tricking a child into showing their own private body parts.

It’s really a mouthful, but it’s fairly thorough. The key points are that sexual abuse can be touching or looking at private body parts, and that it can either be the child’s body or the other person’s body.

Sexual abuse can be confusing. Sometimes sexual abuse hurts our bodies, but sometimes sexual abuse doesn’t hurt at all. Sometimes sexual abuse touches can even feel nice on our bodies. Sexual abuse can also happen without touch. But sexual abuse always makes us feel yucky on the inside.

This is such an important point to make. For younger kids especially, it’s really hard to wrap their heads around the idea of somebody hurting them without physically hurting them. Also, our bodies are hardwired to enjoy sexual touches, and kids aren’t exempt. It’s very possible for them to be touched inappropriately and enjoy it (although it’s nightmarish to think about). However, even if it feels good physically, it still won’t feel right to them. Kids should know to pay attention to their feelings–if it makes you feel yucky, it’s probably wrong.

For older kids it might be appropriate to bring up pornography. Pornography is a little tricky to explain to kids because there are some weird gray areas. It’s sexual abuse for children to view porn or participate in porn, but it’s technically not sexual abuse for consenting adults to view or participate in. Although, in your family you might teach that porn is always unacceptable. It can get a little sticky. Anyway, here’s my definition:

Pornography is pictures or videos of private body parts that make you feel the uh-oh feeling. Pornography can also be something written about private body parts that makes you feel the uh-oh feeling.

(We’ll get into the uh-oh feeling a little later on–and you might replace “feel the uh-oh feeling” with “feel uncomfortable” for older kids.)

The main thing to emphasize is that if somebody makes a kid watch or look at porn (or gives them easy access to it), that’s sexual abuse.  If someone takes pictures or video of kids without their clothes on, that’s also sexual abuse.

It may also be helpful to point out that those cute naked tub pictures in your kids’ scrapbooks are not pornography. It’s not pornography because you didn’t force or trick your kids into taking the picture, you took it just because you want to remember how cute they were, and you aren’t showing it to everyone. That being said, naked child pictures absolutely do not belong on Facebook, Instagram, blogs, etc. no matter how freaking cute. Although it’s innocent to you, others may view it differently, and all of the sudden your child is a “save image as” away from being in someone’s child porn portfolio. Gross. Sorry, enough on that tangent.

Let’s break down the definition of sexual abuse.

Let’s get the dreaded word out of the way first. Sexual. How do you explain sexual to a kid?

Sexual means it’s about private body parts.

No need to delve further into it. I wouldn’t necessarily bring it up unless your kid asks–younger kids usually won’t, but older kids may. Next up is abuse.

Abuse is when someone is being hurt or harmed.

For older kids you might bring up the different kinds of abuse–physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect. For younger kids I would add the concept of nice touches (hugs, snuggles, holding hands, high fives, etc.) and hurting touches (hitting, kicking, pushing, biting, pinching, etc.). We like nice touches and don’t like hurting touches. Abuse is essentially a hurting touch. Now for the definition of force and trick.

Force is when someone makes you do something you don’t want to do or don’t understand.

A trick is when someone fools you, lies to you, pretends, calls something a game that isn’t really a game, or tells jokes that aren’t funny.

I’ll get much deeper into both forcing and tricking next time, so I’ll leave it at that for now. Next, private body parts.

Private body parts are the parts of your body covered by a swimming suit. This is your chest and between your legs in the front and back.

Sometimes a smarty pants kid will say, “But boys’ swimming suits don’t cover their chests!” This is true. A boy’s chest isn’t generally considered a “private” body part. But it’s still a part of the body people shouldn’t be touching without good reason.

Do your child a favor and call private body parts by what they are–chest, crotch, and bum (or butt). As they get older and it becomes appropriate, tell them the correct anatomical name. Don’t give private body parts silly names. This might work fine within your family, but since these pet names aren’t universal it might create unnecessary confusion should your child ever be sexually abused. In that situation your child is already putting themselves pretty far out there to tell. If she isn’t easily and immediately understood by whomever she decided to tell first, your child might give up on telling because she’s embarrassed and frustrated.

In the next post we’ll hammer out the details of tricking and forcing.

Questions, comments, or concerns? Reply below.

First things first:  Is sexual abuse prevention really necessary?

A 2013 study by Townsend found that about 1 in 10 children will be sexually abused by age 18. The same study broke it down even further to 1 in 7 girls and 1 in 25 boys. That seems like a huge difference between girls and boys, but researchers suspect boys report sexual abuse far less often than girls. So in reality it’s probably a little closer to being even, but it’s pretty impossible to speculate how under-reported sexual abuse is for boys.

As a side note, many websites (even well-respected ones) reference the 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 5 boys stat, but those are older numbers. I feel like someone fixed those numbers (with the best intentions) to make it more sensational. Because let’s be real–those are crazy high ratios. That’s just my surmise, though. The newer Townsend numbers seem much more plausible.

It should also be pointed out that although other kinds of child abuse happen more often to kids from lower income homes, child sexual abuse isn’t nearly as discriminatory. No race, religion, income level, ethnicity, political affiliation, or social status is exempt from sexual abuse. It happens across the board.

Anyway, let’s plug the Townsend numbers into real situations so they mean a little more to us.

In your child’s elementary school class of roughly 20 kids, it’s statistically likely that two of those kids will have an issue with sexual abuse sometime before they cross the stage to get their high school diploma. You will probably see those kids–maybe even talk to them–when you bring cupcakes for your child’s birthday. Maybe one of those two kids has been over to your house to play before. Maybe your child’s desk is next to one of them.

In your daughter’s group of 7 girl friends, it’s statistically likely that one of them will experience sexual abuse first hand. And while the odds may fall in your daughter’s favor, it’s still quite likely that one of her friends won’t be so lucky. This time it’s very likely that girl has spent some time in your home. You’ve probably given her a ride home from school before.

Put this way, it’s pretty much a given that sexual abuse will touch the life of at least one person you know (whether you’re aware of it or not). Sexual abuse prevention isn’t just some noble little thing other people will take care of.

It’s every responsible adult’s obligation to prevent sexual abuse.

Why do kids need to know about sexual abuse?

This is the kicker for a lot of people. Most people agree that sexual abuse is bad, and most probably already take some precautions to prevent it from happening. However, some feel strongly that it’s something kids should know nothing about. They don’t want to scare their child or destroy the child’s innocence.

But let’s be real. We tell kids about a lot of things that are scary.

If you run into the road, you’ll get hit by a car. Scary.

If you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll get cavities. Scary.

If you touch the stove when it’s hot, you’ll get burned. Scary.

If you play with matches, your house will catch on fire. Scary.

If you don’t fasten your seat belt and you get in a crash, you’ll crack your head open. Scary.

So many scary things! But it’s definitely not safe to keep your child in the dark on these. You simply can’t monitor every single move your child will ever make, so your child needs to know how to make safe decisions on her own.

Same goes for sexual abuse. You do kids no favors by not telling them what it is and how to avoid it. If your child has an issue with sexual abuse, you will not be there. You won’t be able to whisper over his shoulder, “No, no, that’s a trick. Get away from that person.” Your child needs to know how to recognize a bad situation entirely on his own.

Lastly, keep in mind that kids don’t have the same emotional response to sexual abuse that adults do.  They simply don’t know (and shouldn’t know) enough about the logistics of intimacy to have that spine-crawling reaction adults get when talking about sexual abuse.  When kids learn about sexual abuse, they put it on about the same level as stepping in dog poop, which is where it should be.  Kids should think sexual abuse is gross, wrong, and something to be avoided, but nothing to be scared about.

Preparation is Power

I’m of the opinion that most of our worries and fears stem from a lack of preparation. The more prepared we are for an unfortunate circumstance, the less worry we’ll feel. This is why kids are taught to stop, drop, and roll. This is why you keep jumper cables in the trunk of your car. This is why you learn CPR. You sure hope you don’t have an issue. But you’re prepared if you do.

In addition to less worry occupying space in your mind, there is also great mental power that comes from being prepared. You can’t really control what other people will do to your kids, but it’s empowering to know you’ve done everything you can do to protect them.

In the next post we’ll talk about how to define sexual abuse to kids in an age-appropriate way.

I’d love to hear your comments and address your questions or concerns.  Comment below and I’ll answer ASAP.

Every so often friends ask me how to talk to their kids about sexual abuse. I’m a former Good-Touch/Bad-Touch facilitator, so I’ve got about a billion suggestions on preventing child sexual abuse. However, it’s hard to give a helpful overview without it evolving into an overwhelming flood of information. I’ve made a couple handouts with the bare basics, but they were far from definitive, and perhaps not even helpful without a more lengthy discussion backing them up.

There are lots of good resources out there (click the “Helpful Resources” link above for a few of my favorites), but I’ve yet to find one that adequately covers how to talk to kids about sexual abuse. Thus, I’m going to do a brain dump of everything I know. The basis of all my information comes from the Good-Touch/Bad-Touch curriculum, which has since been phased out and replaced with Speak Up Be Safe (from Childhelp). I will include a few direct quotes from the curriculum, but the rest is my own thoughts. This site is not meant to replace those programs or other programs like it–support those programs if they exist in your community! If it isn’t an option in your area, this is a good backup. Sexual abuse is a scary problem, and it’s important for parents to be as educated as possible.

However, while sexual abuse itself is horrifying, sexual abuse prevention is not. It’s also pretty simple. Over the next month, I’ll walk you through how to talk to kids about sexual abuse. We’ll go over some key definitions and concepts your children should understand. We’ll discuss what your child should do if someone attempts to sexually abuse them, along with what they should do if they are sexually abused. As an added bonus, we’ll also take a look into what’s going on in the mind of a sexual abuse perpetrator and I’ll give some pointers in recognizing when a child has a problem with sexual abuse.

You have the power to prevent sexual abuse in your family and your neighborhood! It’s important to pass that power on to your children so they also have the power to protect themselves and their friends.

No need to be concerned about graphic descriptions or pictures. There will be none of that here.

Still a little hesitant? In the first post, we’ll talk about why sexual abuse prevention is so important.

Note:  If you are having an issue with sexual abuse in your family or neighborhood now, get help by contacting your local child protective services agency. Find your state’s agency on this list.

Here are the topics to be covered. Links will be added as content goes live. Subscribe in the top right corner so you don’t miss anything!

1. Power to Prevent
2. Why Prevention?
3. Defining Sexual Abuse to Kids
4. Key Words: Forcing and Tricking
5. It’s My Body!
6. The Uh-Oh Feeling
7. Power to Say No
8. Tell Someone
9. Secrets and Promises
10. It’s Never the Child’s Fault
11. Discriminating Between Helping and Hurting
12. Who Sexually Abuses Kids?
13. A Further Look into Sexual Abuse Perpetrators
14. How Can Adults Prevent Sexual Abuse?
15. Sexual Abuse Warning Signs
16. What Can I Do if I Discover or Suspect Sexual Abuse?